Insecurities...the little things in life that grows and become fears and phobias over time. How do you handle them? Do you dare to take the big leap to conquer and get over them? Will they haunt you in future again? It is definitely not easy. For me, I do have trust issues. I do NOT trust a lot of people. Honestly, you can know me for a millions years and be my fucking best friend forever what not shit, I can still choose not to trust you. On the other hand, you can be a total sranger and on the 1st conversation I can trust you already. It's pretty wierd, but that comfort I need is what makes me feel comfortable and open up to you. I just need comfort and attention. :( But to those people who already have my trust... one word of caution, if you break it, then you have lost it forever. I found myself to be able to trust someone so so so much nowadays. I Surrender to you...

I Surrender- Celine Dion
There's so much life I've left to live
And this fire's burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will
To stand for every dream
And forsake the solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you

Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it to
We'd make it through
A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender

I know I can't survive
Another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now I need to live the truth
Right now, there's no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And no the they can't take that away from me
And they will see...

Every nights getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger, babe
I'll swallow my pride and I'll be alive
Did you hear my call
I surrender all...

Saturday, January 31 at 13:15

I started today with tears. You know who you are. I don't blame you though. It was good actually because everything got "settled" and I know how you feel now (just minus the tons of tissue boxes and the tears). It was sad tears all the way till...

I SAID: I mean come on... you know its literally impossible for this whole love thing to suceed. Maybe its just good if we just stay as very good friends that what she(A Friend) said.

YOU SAID: Okay i really don't get where this is coming from but whatever.

I SAID: You know what... lets not talk about this. it just makes me cry again and again.

YOU SAID: What the fuck! I don't know why anybody would say all that and then just be like okay nevermind. Obviously thats kinda a big deal. But if you're sure that's what you think is best then okay guess you're right whatever.

I SAID: no no no!!! I dont think its best. I know what I want and you know my POV. Thats what SHE said. Just a thought from a friend.

YOU SAID: Okay? Well personally I don't give a fuck what your friend has to say.

This made me cry tears of joy. Even though it seemed a little harsh at first but to think of it, it means a lot to me when you said it. It really shows how concern you are about me and doesn't bother what other people say about what's going on.I'm slowly starting to see a clear path ahead and I hope after this its happy days ahead :) <3 You.

Thursday, January 29 at 17:11

So, yeah... Holidays are here. Kinda dreadfull cause I really missed school already. Now that there is no more school, so hard to blog. That's why its not been updated these days. Its funny cause you want holidays when you are schooling and when you are on holidays you to go to school. Anyway, I'm going to miss my W14C Class. So many things (good and bad) happened. I shall not go into details cause its too many to list. And I noticed that in EVERY class, there would probably be a few of those "odd ones" if you know what I mean. Like those that people always run away from and avoid or those that simply don't want to be a part of the class. Perhaps that is the new definition of a class. Haha. But sometimes, I feel bad for these people.

Today woke up at 3am and went online. To chat with someone. :P Man, Time difference around the world reeeaaallly sucks. Anyway, I couldn't stay up long... Got too tired and bumped back to bed after chatting for 1hr and you had to go too. But nice timing though. Woke up at 8am today. Still too used to the early wakeup times to go to school. Haha. I will need to readjust now that there's 3 months of holidays. Anyway, rotting at home ain't fun alright? But hehe, I've found alternative things to do these days while at home. Been really elated these days. You know who you are and what you do to me everyday. ^^ Musn't say so much. :P Later people bombard me with a ton of questions. Hahas. Change song also. Hearing tons of complains from people about the current song. Haha. Sureeee, will change. :P

Wednesday, January 28 at 09:21

Today...
My solo experience
Im still crying now :(

I've not been eating properly the past few days
I got no mood, no appetite
I was at JurongEast Interchange (A Train Station)
Waiting for MRT (Thats what we call a train in Singapore)

So an empty train came
So I ran in and sit
Immediately when I sit down
My whole body felt like it was shrinking
So BLOODY painful
Like the cells inside shrinking
Had troubles breathing

So...
I closed my eyes and endured the pain
My head started to go VERY dizzy
My ears can hear only ringing noises
I was TOTALLY freaking out

So, I tried to open my eyes
I can feel my eyes opening
but I cannot see anything
It was pitch black
Like when you close your eyes to sleep
I was in a dead/blind state
Like in a World Of My Own

I seriously thought I was going to die
But I was still awake
It really got me traumatised then
And my whole head was like going to burst
My body like shrinking from the inside
Pain was just so unbearable
I was like wanting to cry
Cause I SO scared that I cannot see a thing

But I cannot cry
Donno why
Then I said out loud in the train
Can anyone help me...
The lady beside me answered I think
But I cannot hear anything much
Damn scary

I was freaking out more by then
Then I knew i had to calm down
And soon enough I could hear a TINY bit of voice
But I cannot keep myself calm after that
I keep screaming and shouting
I cannot see I cannot see
I cannot hear I cannot hear

I panicked again
Screaming like nuts
Then the lady beside me pat on me and said to my ear
Are you alrite? Where are you alighting
I said Boon Lay interchange (A train station where I'm suppose to alight)

Then reached Boon Lay interchange
I can feel one whole bunch of people helping me to guide me out
I was literally blind
Cannot see a single THING
So they brought me to sit down
And then the train officials came to bring me down in a wheelchair
Cause I can feel I was being rolled

By then
I could see A tiny BIT
But all in greyish-black
Cant see colours
I was feaking out once again when I cannot see the colours
I thought I was going to be blind or colourless

Then I rested in this room
And soon, I was able to move my fingers again and ate something
But I begin to shake and tremble
The train officer wanted to call ambulance
I keep saying I dont want
Rested some more
At about 6pm(I THINK) I was able to walk slowly

I swear that was the MOST freakiest and traumatising day for my life
Im still crying like shit now
I feel so crappy now
Its cause Ive not been eating properly these days
No energy FOR BODY TO FUNCTION PROPERLY

I learn my lesson the HARD way
It will definitely take some time for me to get over this
And now im just thankful to be alive , able to see, hear and talk

Thursday, January 22 at 20:55

Not been updating for some time now. Cause, same old reason... Getting lazier. But tonight, nothing to do. =( So, spend some time on this post.

LAST THURSDAY
Was Enterprise Day. Grrrrrr. For Enterprise we did on NKF thingy. Its so annoying cause again we did PPT. I'm getting sick of PPT. I want to do mah jong paper presentations. =( But they went well.

LAST FRIDAY
Yikes! Friday was a pain. I was so sure I was going to stay in class throughout for Science. Cause my grades not that "pleasant" to MY eyes. xP Then topic was about some crap deformation. About how reliable the bridge was and need to do tons of calculations. I was going to like give 1/2 past work for the day. Then one of my friends wanted to leave class. Without him... I think the team would die. Cause the rest pretty much did not understood fully either xP So, I left after meeting 2 and skipped class. =( Got an F-Grade for the day. Yikes...

MONDAY
Communication Lesson! This is probably the BEST lesson of all lessons I had for this whole year. We had to create a GAME based on what we have learnt for the past 15 weeks on Communication. We had two teams. One with 6 people. And my team with 7 people. Hehe. That's WAY A LOT from the usual group of 5 maximum. Lol! We insisted to faci not to have more than 2 team. Hehe. ^^ Then both teams tried each others game. Wheee. fun!!!

TODAY
Cognitive Day today was a LITTLE tough in the beginning but managed to pull through x) Pretty much a summary of what we learnt for the previous 15 weeks also! :) Not bad arrr, except that we had some issues about the Hypothesis part. xP Faci explained and enlightened us. In the end. All went well. Oh yeah. And today ate loads of chocolate. Faci brought in 2 boxes for 3 teams to share. So, on Average... each person should take about 3-4 chocolates. Hmmm, some of us took more than that. xP We were busy eating them and giving opinions on which were better. Haha. So, I ate all 6 flavors. x( Opps. I need little self-control next time! xP But after trying all the flavours, everyone had one conclusion... The Chocolate with Cononut centered filing did NOT taste nice at all. Hehe. ^^

Thats about it. Now... I'm not coming to class tomorrow. Maths Grade is prefectly fine. :) So, I can sleep and rest. :) Thursday coming back to school. Not sure too sure about Friday though. xP Still deciding. :)

Tuesday, January 20 at 21:16

Today is Wednesday. Lesson was on Computing And Maths. I never go to school today. ^^ Mainly of 2 reasons. One was lazy. And two was that my Grades are "good enough". Yea, yea... people keep saying can be better. But I'll get an A for Maths already. 13 A's for Daily Grade and 1 B Grade. Not bad arr? xP UT oso okay-lah. Not THAT bad. So, today woke up slightly later than normal. Hehe. Got to sleep more. Ahhh. Such a pleasure.

However, since I never go school, had to rot at home. Never go out cause obviously friends all in school. Haha. But anyway, still had my one day rest/break from school. Tomorrow got UT. Last UT! Yeah! xP On Cognitive though (BIG HEADACHE!!!). I better go study.

Wednesday, January 14 at 20:35

I'm feeling so sick and so weak now. Flu, Cough, Cold, Fever. All in one. Bleh. Got no mood for anything. Don't feel like eating. Don't even feel like getting out of bed. Sooo sick. So, just took laptop and stayed in bed. My nose is like Rudolph. Sooo red. Its like a red christmas ball decor item on the tree. o-o Monday school resumes. Arghs. MUST get well...

*Sigh, no mood to write a lot also...

Saturday, January 10 at 21:13

Today was Enterprise Lesson in class. I was expecting my normal Female Facilitator to come into class. But then, out the blue... This male Facilitator walks into class 30mins EARLIER. -.- At that time in time, only 4 of us in class liaos. 4 all stoned and in silence. -.- Then, at 9... that male Faci began teaching. OMG, his jokes are cold. Colder than the Artic. I could have collapsed and slept on the floor. Too tired and lesson just got more boring as time goes by. Then, w/s half-way done. Never really complete. Haha. But this is the "exciting" part. I already planned to skip class after that during the 2nd breakout. Then my whole team, one by one oso want to skip. Hahaha. So, then had to wait for LYNETTE for her to finish her talk. -.- So, we waited in class and slacked while the rest were busy with powerpoint presention later. Wait... wait... wait... And guess what... at 1.30pm, Faci walked in. WTF! We could not escape already. Darn. We had 1 hour left to rush through PPT. Oh gosh. To make things worse, we had to present first. Wo-ah. SO stressfull. Anyway, the fact that I am still here only means that I survived this horrifying day.

Also, 3 days have passed. Went to check my Daily Grades. WHeeee. Did very well. 3 DG A's. :) If I get another A for today... *faints*. Haha. But you'll never know. :) Watch and learn... xP

Thursday, January 8 at 22:36

Today was Jill's Birthday. Happy BDay girl. :) Other than that, it was back to school for at least another 3 weeks. Well, 3 weeks does seem like a long time. But eventually, it will pass by quickly. Just like when I still remember my 1st day in RP. No, not the wrong class orientation day!!! -.- The first day when classes officially started. Everyone in that class was like ohhhh... we are going to waste 1 year doing crappy subjects and modules. Thinking back, 1 year already passed. In fact we have all split up and went into different classes last semester. Oh, how I miss my old class... Didn't time pass fast? :o Well, I am certainly not looking forward to the next 3 weeks of schooling. I got no mood to study. :( I'm actually looking for the 2 months+? break AFTER the 3 weeks of schooling. Haha. Wheeeeee. Gimme the breaks!!! xP

Today's Lesson was on Communication. I thought it was going to be something fun and would be a good start to kick in the New Year and the upcoming 3 weeks of school. Guess what? Today's topic was on Proposal Writing. OMG!!! If there is one thing I hate doing... it definitely is all these writing stuff. Letter Writing, Proposal Writing... all these crap things. o.o On the bright side... 2 more lessons of Communication to endure. Haha. Well, tomorrow is Cognitive Day. I wonder if we are changing teams. Haha. I'm looking forward to tomorrow I guess.

Lastly, I'm kinda upset today. By people who contradict themselves and lie SO much. First you say..... (Issue A) and you said you hated when (Issue A) happens. And today... it seems like you are doing the same thing(Issue A). I thought we saw eye to eye on this issue. Apparently NOT. I just hope people nowadays will just learn how to express themselves as who they really are. Cut the act man... You don't to pretend to be "someone else" for whatever reason it is... At least that was what I learn from my past and I took a hard fall to realise it. Learn to be yourself and embrace that. Someone, somewhere, at some corner will cherish and treasure you for who you are. It may be hard but I hope you will "find your way back" and not take the hard fall like I did...

Monday, January 5 at 18:35

I know I have not been posting for the past month or so, during the holiday breaks. I guess I was doing a lot of reflection on the past year and myself. No, don't laugh. I AM SERIOUS ON THIS. Looking back over the past 16 years, I realised one big thing. I am NEVER satisfied with anything. Perhaps it is because I look for long-term satisfaction rather than those small, sweet moments that many people cherish. I don't know why I am not able to remember these moments honestly. Ask me what I remember about January till June last year? Hmm, the 1st strikes to my mind would be O'Level Results and Poly Registration. This is a BIG THING. What can't I remember? Those small memorable things as usual. I had to go date by date to rethink what happened. So this are the things that never came across my mind at that of time(those nitty gritty small moments).

1. Shu Hui pestering me to make a decision to go RP or MI.
2. Forget to bring charger for laptop configuration. (So Stupid)
3. Went into wrong class on Day 1.
That all I can recall. Pathetic ain't it? x(

Secondly, I realised how many people can just come and go in my life. People who keep on saying they will be there when I needed them. People who said that I will not walk the path alone. People who tried to make me feel as though they were concern. You have indeed earned my trust for the period of time. But time after time, each and every single one of YOU have lost it eventually. There WERE times when I needed someone to be there and no one cared. No one bothered. No one fulfilled what they promised. So my new years resolution... Learn to trust yourself more. Be more dependent and strong. Don't rely so much on others. But, I have to make an exeption to those people who weren't really aware of what I was going through. Don't I? :) So I am not blaming everyone afterall. Maybe only those few liars that made the whole situation seem so bad. Afterall, the problems are more in-depth than anyone can ever handle including myself.

This year... I WANT more respect, I DESERVE more happiness and NEED more acceptance. Respect specifically from my family. Happiness from each and everyone of you and finally acceptance from my close ones. I am sick of stepping of out of the door everyday with a mask embedded on this face and pretending everything will go alright when the cold hard fact is that nothing is going right. I am tired of being Mr Nice and Mr Helpful when I cannot even help myself. I need to have people that can look up at me and be appreciative of what I have done. It's just a SIMPLE "THANK YOU" I am asking for. So, the Year 2009 is the year I put MYSELF above others. The Year I settle my own issues. If you want to help me, then gear up for it. Cause I don't need people to settle issues on the surface only. I need people who are willing to go in-depth and settle my issues once and for all. Do you know how much THAT would mean to me.

Well, it means the world to me. =/

Sunday, January 4 at 01:02